Nancy Kline’s book “Time to Think“ is a great read and includes some wonderful ideas and theories around listening. As an impatient listener I thought I’d share a war story.
I have a client – Sonny – a lawyer.
It took me about a year to work out that when he scratched his forearm and looked up, he wasn’t comfortable. I’d go to meetings and we’d cover what I thought was everything. Then I’d get an email two hours later saying:
‘Actually, I want to know about this, this, and this.’
And I’d be thinking, ‘I was there. Why didn’t you say anything?’
It didn’t take long to work out that he basically didn’t get the chance and was far too polite to interrupt my continuous flow of spontaneous thought!
Sonny is an introvert. He doesn’t like being interrupted and wouldn’t cut in on any one else. He will always take time to consider his response to make sure that when he speaks what he says is relevant and logical.
What speaks louder than Sonny’s words is his body language.
So it’s unfair not to give them that opportunity. And that may mean watching their body language very carefully. I realised that when he scratched his forearm and looked up and to his right it was usually a sign that he needed to speak and perhaps wanted to discuss something else.
I hadn’t been giving him that chance – in fact I probably just talked over him.
So now when I’m in a meeting with him and I see him scratch his forearm I’ll say ‘OK, Sonny – what do you think?’
Nine times out of ten he’ll come up with something that really is an issue for him.
I’m now ready to play poker with him … but maybe that isn’t such a great idea!
So in conclusion…
Listen with your eyes as well as your ears.
If you interrupt or cut across people they may not give you a second chance and you’ll miss the insight you need to work effectively with them.
NB (Buy Nancy’s book here!)
David Solomon
Managing Director, Sun and Moon Training
@SunMoonDavid
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